You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Randomize
