There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
