I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
