with your own penis?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
