i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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