why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
