Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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