I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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