you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
