I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
