i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
