Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
