your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
