I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
A+ Viking dick
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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