i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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