just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
