Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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