Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
