can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
