glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
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