I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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