and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Success! We fucked roommates!
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