Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
