U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
