I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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