Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
