I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
