we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
