I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
