Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
