after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
