end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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