best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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