your thong is hanging out like whoa
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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