Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
