The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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