he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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