She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
