also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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