The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
