if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
