I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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