Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
