wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize