Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize