genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize