I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
