apparently the secret to your success is patron
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
