my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
