When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
