How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
