I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
