You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
