Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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