i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The chlamydia really affected his face.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize