Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
