I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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